I am going to go very off topic for this post. I just have some things I need to get off my chest. I have been following this story the last few days about the comment trolling on Jezebel. I have been reading quite a few articles about just how prolific internet sexual harrassment of women is. And I have a lot of thoughts about this.
When I was little I often heard the saying repeated that "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." Quite honestly I think this saying is a steaming pile of crap and the world would be a better place if it were never repeated again. Words can be profoundly damaging. Especially when faced with a constant barrage of verbal abuse on a regular basis. And we now know that women more than men are overwhelmingly targeted with things like threats of physical and sexual violence, and sexually predatory communications from other internet users.
One solution I have seen put out there is to ignore it. Don't let it affect you. Don't react. Allow me to explain why we can't:
As soon as you have read the comment, or viewed the image, whichever the case may be, it has already begun to do damage. You can't unsee it. That was the intention behind the comment being made in the first place. It is my belief that some people, mostly men, post rape threats and stalkerish comments online for the same reason that some men rape and sexually assault women. As a means of control. They seek to control us with fear and shame. And in the majority of cases the men who hide behind a screen while doing this will never face any sort of consequences for their actions. So they have no reason to stop.
And as easy as it may seem to dismiss anonymous online rape threats as carrying no real weight, with very low likelihood of any kind of follow through, that just ignores the fact that the women they are targeting have already been assaulted. Whether or not these women are ever actually physically harmed by those who are posting creepy tweets, or rapey comments ultimately doesn't matter. The online attacks are harmful in and of themselves.
Because sexual assault isn't some sort of amorphous, and indistinct concept. A massive percentage of women have already experienced it. Those that haven't experienced it first hand probably know someone who has, or several someones who have. And 100% of women know what it means to have immediate fear for their safety. Living in a heightened state of fear for an extended period of time has demonstrable harmful effects on the human body.
I have heard that one in three women will be a victim of sexual assault in her lifetime. Honestly, I think that statistic is way too low, for a variety of reasons. But I would like to go on record as saying that I am included in these ranks. I was raped by an acquaintance. I said no. Multiple times. I pushed him off of me over and over again until I didn't have the strength to keep fighting back. He ignored my requests for him to stop. He physically overpowered me. After he was finished, he stood up without a word and walked out of my apartment. I never heard from him again.
I did not report it. I told myself it was a misunderstanding, and he thought somehow, some way, that that was what I wanted. I told myself that he just did it because he was lonely, that he wasn't really a rapist, and he wouldn't ever do that to anyone else. I erased all traces of him from my phone and my computer. And I forgot his name, almost consciously. I don't remember it to this day. By the time I allowed myself to admit what really happened, I had wiped away every last bit of tangible evidence, and scrubbed my memory of nearly every detail. But the damage was only getting started.
Even now I am terrified to write this. I am terrified to publish this. I am terrified of people who I know, people who I work with, people in my family, reading this and seeing me differently. And even though I am a nobody blogger, with very few readers, and basically no visibility, I am afraid of who or what is lurking out there. Even reading about other women getting threatened with rape is pretty damn triggering. I realize that by putting this out there I am taking a risk, even if it is a pretty small one. I realize I am inviting criticism. It scares me. A lot.
But if shame is one of the methods of control that some men use on women, then the only way to fight back is to no longer allow ourselves to be shamed into silence. As long as we keep our mouths shut, and as long as we behave as though we are the ones who did something wrong, the control by shame and fear will continue. It's time to fight back.
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